This month we have a lawyer who has practiced over 26 years telling us how the coronavirus impacted him and his family. Many of us can relate to his experience. Clark: I hope that telling my story will help other lawyers. I’m sharing my experience during the quarantine as long as Pamela, my coach, concealed my identity. To be anonymous, I’ll call myself Clark. I’ve been a litigator for over 26 years. Married for 23 years, I live in the Midwest from a pretty conservative family. I met my wife, who is a schoolteacher when I was in law school, and we have two sons in college. We are all home during the quarantine. To be honest, during the coronavirus, I faced a mental and emotional crisis. There were so many levels to consider. Stress about my financial situation, the economy, and the health and safety of my loved ones took over. Being stuck at home with my family while trying to practice law was difficult. It was as if we spread Miracle Grow on all our faults. As time wore on, I felt irritable, depressed, angry, and it was hard to focus on my work. My wife and kids constantly distracted me. I couldn’t concentrate. My wife and I were having disagreements. These fights escalated into days of ‘the silent treatment.” You could cut the tension in the house with a knife. The entire family felt tense and agitated. It is hard to admit. As an attorney, I’m supposed to have it all together. Believe me, my wife and I have mastered the art of looking good. Let me go back to the beginning when I first hired Pamela as my coach. I’ve struggled with depression most of my life. I felt trapped in a corner when I contacted Pamela. I felt suicidal; my marriage was crappy. My sons’ lack of ambition disappointed me. My law practice was in shambles. I couldn’t perform at work or at home. The medications did not help. I was overeating, drinking too much. I hate to admit it, but I did not want to continue living. But, I didn’t have a plan; yet. When you have ongoing conflict at home, it overshadows everything. This friction can debilitate your law practice, your energy, and your mental stamina.
The hardest thing is for a lawyer is to admit that they need emotional help. Somebody you can trust that will listen and won’t judge you. It is 100x more difficult for me to ask for help. I felt backed into a corner, and for some reason, I agreed to speak with Pamela. I am thankful that I restored my marriage and my law practice. In 2019 I billed more than I had over the past 12 years. My marriage, while not perfect, was getting so much better. I had high hopes for 2020. Then the coronavirus hit. I know most lawyers won’t confess this. But as I said earlier, problems at home affect everything. The coronavirus hit me hard. The chaos, anger, frustration at home drained me, and my law practice. I have never worked well at home. Being home every day, I was not only distracted and uncomfortable; I didn’t get much done. My wife and I got into a couple of nasty arguments over dinner. It had been over two years since we had attacked each other like that. I thought those days of shouting, upsetting our children were over. Here is the problem. When I fight with my wife, it doesn’t just affect the two of us. It causes tension in the house. My sons start to argue, and they become argumentative. I revel in anger. I become preoccupied thinking about what my wife had done and getting angrier and angrier. My whole body shuts down, I overeat, I drink too much, and I nurse that grudge. The offense grows in my mind. I can’t concentrate. My law practice suffers. I didn’t know how long we could stay stuck in the house with each other. Thankfully, I called Pamela, and she reminded me of these three things:
- When I react to my wife, the cost is too high. Although it might feel good to indulge in rage to show her who the boss is, everything suffers. In the past, it could roll into weeks and even months of lost productivity.
- Trouble begins when I stop focusing on having a positive mindset. I stop eating right; I don’t drink water or get the right amount of sleep. I drink too much. As a result, this is when I become more inclined to get into a fight and hold a grudge.
- When I don’t keep my practice organized, it is easy to get distracted. I find that being accountable to a coach always allows me to course-correct quickly. That way, I don’t lose too much time lost in the weeds.
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Having regular conversations with a mindset coach has made an enormous difference in my mental and physical health. It keeps my marriage and my relationship with my kids on track. And this helps me achieve my law practice goals. I hope my story helps other lawyers, not only during the quarantine but as we start to ramp up our law practices when this is over.
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Pamela DeNeuve: I appreciate Clark telling us his experience. If you are struggling and want someone to talk to, don’t do it alone. PILMMA is providing free 30-minute consultations with me for anyone who wants to talk. This is not a sales pitch, it is an opportunity to get support. ◆ You can schedule a talk with me on my calendar: https://calendly.com/pdeneuve/complimentary-call or email me at: pamela@pameladeneuve.com
